Empowering Parents with Effective Communication Strategies with Shruti

Being a mom of 2 children as they are growing up, there are always never ending of parenting struggles and one main struggle is communication. 

Today, we have Shruti joining us in this podcast. She understands the struggles of parenting. Like many of us, she experienced moments of connection and days when she wasn't her best self, snapping and yelling. This led her to embark on a journey of understanding her child's behavior and her own reactions, seeking ways to communicate mindfully with her little ones.

📖 Shruti's journey took her to the enlightening book "Nonviolent Communication" by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, which transformed her parenting style. Now, she is passionate about teaching parents how to lead with compassion, kindness, respect, and empathy while fostering cooperation without resorting to manipulation or threats.

🌟 Better relationships with our children and everyone else in our life can only be achieved via conscious communication. In order to improve our ability to communicate with our spouse and children, Shruti highlighted the four fundamental pillars.  

🎧 Struggling with parenting? Tune in to this heartwarming episode to learn mindful communication and build a strong bond with your kids! 🎧

If you want to find out more, you may connect with Shruti on her website: www.empoweredconnections.nl or find her on Instagram as Empowered Connections. 

Make sure you hit subscribe if you haven’t already. And, if you’d like to check out my other channels...

YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@LupWaiChan
Website: www.lupwaiparentwhisperer.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/lupwaiparentwhisperer

Transcript

Lup Wai: [00:00:00] All right. Welcome everybody to the new episode of Learning Curve with Lup Wai. Today I have a very special guest and 

Lup Wai: she is Shruti who is an international lawyer turned full time parent coach based in Netherlands. Now she helps parents to raise resilient kids through connection, joy and empowerment. So she helps parents with awareness and she provides tools and strategies to support them in their everyday parenting challenges.

Lup Wai: She's here today to talk about how to be mindful while communicating with our kids. Now, let's get to know her more and let's get Shruti to introduce herself as well.

Shruti: Hi Lup and hi everyone who's listening. My name is Shruti and I'm a parent to two young kids. They are six and two at the moment. And as soon as I became a mother for the first time, I figured that parenting is hard.

Shruti: And then COVID [00:01:00] happened, which meant I was spending a whole lot of time with my daughter. And that was a point where, I started looking at parenting from a different lens, and there were days that were great, filled with connection, and there were days where I would also not show up in my best possible way, I would fall into my patterns of sometimes I'm yelling, sometimes I'm snapping, because there was no scope for me to have any me time or any You know, chance for myself to fill my cup, and that would often leave me depleted.

Shruti: And I wanted to understand why she behaves the way she does. And why am I showing up the way I do? And that is how I undertook this journey of becoming a coach from a lawyer. I wanted to grow in my parenting and I wanted to understand my child and, you know, still have a connected relationship with her.

Shruti: So, What came up for me was that oftentimes when we communicate with our kids. We are trying to manipulate them to [00:02:00] getting them to do things by, you know, offering them external motivation, such as rewards or bribes. And when they're not manipulated by that, we switch gears and we start forcing them or threatening them.

Shruti: And we're not very mindful in how we communicate with our little ones. So I read this wonderful book by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It's called Nonviolent Communication and I cannot recommend it enough because that I think changed my life. So I underwent my own journey and figured out that. It is possible to lead your child with compassion, kindness, respect, and empathy, and get them to cooperate with you without resorting to those quick tactics.

Shruti: Because even if those tactics work for you in the short run, they probably give you those, that immediate compliance. Like, you know, you tell your child, you can watch TV if you do this, and they do it. Maybe that momentary compliance is there, but what happens in the long run is that we lose connection.

Shruti: And That's not worth it. [00:03:00] So that is why I really am passionate about, working with parents and teach them how to mindfully communicate with kids. 

Lup Wai: Nice. That's a huge change from a lawyer to a parenting coach. And because of your first child, it changes you and change your direction to where you want to go and how you want to further enhance the communication and relationship with your child.

Shruti: Absolutely. Yes. 

Lup Wai: Right. But what brought you to, in a way, to become a conscious parenting coach rather than, You know, some of the parents would just say, okay, I'll try to make it up. I try to do well, but never to the thought of becoming a coach. So what makes you become a parenting coach? 

Shruti: So when I had my son, I noticed some shifts in my daughter's behaviors and, I felt a distance between us and, because she had just started going to school and I had my son, so we [00:04:00] were already not spending a lot of time and sometimes he would tell her something she would do the complete opposite.

Shruti: And sometimes. the answer to everything would be a no. So, it was driving me crazy and I was sleepless and exhausted. I was like, this can't be it. You know, this is not how, how I want this to be, you know, I want to be able to hold boundaries without being scary to my child. And that's when I underwent this journey.

Shruti: I studied. And I worked with a coach myself, and then I figured that, listen, I'm not the only one dealing with this, and there are a lot of people who have similar challenges, and they have tantruming kids and kids melting down, and I wanted to help them, because I truly believe that we can change the world by changing how we parent, because parenting, how we parent a child kind of sets the foundation for that child, right?

Shruti: Like, we are how we are because Of how our parents showed up for us or how they raised us. So [00:05:00] that's a big part of us. So that is why I, I made that shift from being a lawyer to , a parent coach because I thought that, I mean, this felt like my calling and this felt like I want to do this. I want to inspire people.

Lup Wai: That's really, really from the heart because of what you're experiencing through, and you are here trying to help other parents as well. But what exactly is the conscious communication about, like you mentioned, like no threatening, no bribing, but a proper communication or conscious communication from us to the next generation. So can you tell us more about that? 

Shruti: Absolutely. So, communication is essential to any and every aspect of our life. So what I share today is not just going to help you in the parent child dynamic, but also maybe with your husband or with your in laws or with your partner, right?

Shruti: Because, you know, conscious communication is essentially like, How can we [00:06:00] mindfully communicate in a way which invites cooperation and collaboration and, you know, make sure that our relationships stay strong and our everyday lives are smoother, right? Because, as I mentioned, parenting is hard.

Shruti: You wake up in the morning. Some parents are struggling with getting the morning routine going. Some parents are struggling with after school meltdowns. Some parents are struggling with bedtime meltdowns or some kids don't want to go into the bath. And then once they go in, they don't want to get out.

Shruti: So there are like, All these kinds of struggles and how we communicate can have an impact. So , so first I want to talk briefly about , what a big barrier is between communicating for communication between us and our Children. And that is that, like, we often explode and yell at them, not when things are pleasant, but and also not often the behavior warrants it.

Shruti: But because we are feeling triggered or exhausted or tired, right? Because. It's not easy to go to work for working parents, for example, and come back and then cook dinner and then also [00:07:00] get a child to listen to us. Right. So it is challenging. And often it, what happens is that a lot of us. As I said, our triggers come up because let's say a lot of us growing up were not allowed to say no or we were not allowed to talk back.

Shruti: So when a child does that to us, it feels triggering because that immediate default pattern shows up for us where if we did that, our parents would say you're being disrespectful. So it's very important to understand. What are triggers are right? Like, because that is when we are falling into reactivity, we are falling into all those traps where we attempted to yell and scream at them or punish them or give them a timeout, right?

Shruti: I think a starting point for that for parents can be to understand which part of the day feels really hard for them. Is it the bedtime? Okay. I've noticed that bedtime is making me really angry. What am I feeling? What am I needing? And how can I make it [00:08:00] more peaceful for me and my child? How can I collaborate with my child?

Shruti: So awareness is, I guess, the starting point where we understand what a trigger is because it's often our triggers that Make us reactive. So that is the biggest barrier because when things are fine, your kids are listening and you know, they're eating their food without any tantrum. I don't think communication is a problem there.

Shruti: It's only when the triggered moments that bring out our worst also. So , what nonviolent communication or conscious communication is about is it's about building intrinsic motivation in our children. So they want to work with us, right? We can do that by , sharing power with them. And instead of dominating them or being permissive, where we kind of Let them do what they want, where we can be firm in our boundaries, but also loving and compassionate, right?

Shruti: NVC, Nonviolent communication process where we are able to understand [00:09:00] our feelings and needs. We are able to understand our child's feelings and needs and work it out with them. So that is what it is about. . It stands on four pillars, and those pillars are observation, feelings, needs and requests. Now the thing is that I would like to go deeper into this if we have the time. Okay. So observation, for example, the first pillar of NVC is about seeing things as they are . If you put the video camera on your phone, it just sees things or hear sounds, it doesn't judge what happens often is that.

Shruti: We observe things from a lens of judgment, right? for example, if I walk into the kitchen first thing in the morning and I see dishes all over the counter, my immediate observation is, what a messy kitchen, right? And I am angry and I'm screaming, okay, if I don't do the [00:10:00] dishes, is nobody going to do it?

Shruti: It's going to be that, right? Instead... I can come down and look at the dishes. Okay, there are dishes on the counter, and I don't think I can do them all. I'm feeling tired. I, I did not want to do this. I have a long day ahead. What can I do instead? So simply observing what we see instead of lacing it with evaluation, because when we judge it, then we are looking for a person to blame and find fault with.

Shruti: That's when we are Reactive. For example, if we go into the room of our children and we see clothes on the floor, instead of saying that you never keep your things well, we can see that, hey, I see clothes on the floor. Can you put them in the laundry basket? Sometimes it's just , creating that pause between first thinking and gathering our thoughts. Understanding what we see and just sports casted, you know, just say what we see instead of, adding that moralistic [00:11:00] judgment to it or evaluation, because that is when the other person can get defensive because it is coming like an attack, right? That you know, you never listened to me. So no, but I did do the dishes the other day.

Shruti: So it becomes like the point is lost. It's very important to come from a place of Wanting to observe instead of evaluate. The next pillar of nonviolent communication is feelings. There are feelings and there are false feelings, right? Like for example, if I tell you that I'm feeling very sad or I'm feeling very scared, or I'm feeling confused.

Shruti: I don't think you're going to argue with me if I say those feelings because those are my feelings, right? Yeah, but if I tell you that you don't appreciate me, I don't feel appreciated. That's a false feeling because you may be feeling sad because you're wanting acknowledgement. That is the real feeling, but I think you don't appreciate me. It's not a [00:12:00] feeling because it is. Again, the other person gets defensive here to say, no, but I do appreciate you. When we talk about our feelings, it is important to kind of talk in I statements and take responsibility for what my feelings are and what my needs are and express them in a way that does not put any weight on the Other person to fix it, right?

Shruti: If we tell our children that , you make mommy sad. That's a very big burden to place on children because they're not responsible for your feelings. So how can we communicate? Like you make mommy very sad when you go to school late in the morning. We can instead I'm feeling really sad about how how often we are arguing and I'm really longing for us to communicate clearly and calmly.

Shruti: That can be a strategy where I am taking responsibility that I'm feeling XYZ and I am needing XYZ. So how can we make it happen? Taking responsibility of what we are feeling [00:13:00] without putting the burden on the other person is very important. That's that's the second pillar of non violent communication.

Shruti: And the third is needs and strategies. So often when our children are crying or they're upset, let's say they go to a shop, they see a toy that they love and they say, no, you have too many toys at home. Or if they say, I want to eat chocolate. No, you can't eat chocolate for breakfast. Or let's say they break the toy.

Shruti: Don't cry. I will get you a new one. Those things may be a strategy. There is a step before that and which is like offering empathy. Oftentimes like, parents say that my child cried about how I cut the banana or the color of the plate or cup, right?

Shruti: Understanding what their need is or what our need is, is really important. In that moment, I don't think it's about the color of the cup. Or more about the toy. I think it's that , they want autonomy, and [00:14:00] they are trying to get it, aggressively, because they're not able to meet it normally.

Shruti: So they just try and increase their volume to get their needs met, right? And same with the toy. Instead of shutting children down. For having feelings. It's important to kind of empathize. It is kind of, for example, if I go to a shop and my daughter says that I really want this frozen castle.

Shruti: Okay. I think my response would be Oh, yeah, it looks really cool, doesn't it? And you really wish to have it. How about we put it on your wish list? Or, instead of saying that, okay , I'll buy it for you or no, you're not going to get it. Sometimes Children just want to be heard and seen in their experience.

Shruti: They don't want You to kind of fix it. You know, they don't want you to give a solution. They just want you to understand that, Hey, this is important to me. And if we just express that, Hey, I get it. Like if my daughter wakes up in the morning and says, I want chocolate. And instead of saying no chocolate in the morning, I can just meet [00:15:00] her where she's at by saying that, Hmm, wouldn't it be amazing if we could just wake up one morning in a chocolate wonderland and eat as much chocolate as you want.

Shruti: So that kind of. I am meeting her need to be understood through fantasy. I am not saying yes, and I'm not just saying no, but I'm saying it in a way where I'm first empathizing with her and then, working out with her that, hey, When we eat chocolate first in the morning, sometimes you don't eat your breakfast.

Shruti: So how about we eat your breakfast and around snack time you can have chocolate ? Essentially, not going into the strategy immediately. For example, like if I get hurt or if my child gets hurt and we often say , that you're okay, you're going to be fine. It's no biggie.

Shruti: But if. Is that how I would respond to an adult? Like, if I bump my head against the car while getting out of the car and somebody tells me, you're okay, I'm going to be really mad at them. I'm going to, like, I think the only response that's [00:16:00] okay is, ouch, that hurts. Are you okay? Like, instead of, you're okay.

Shruti: You can ask, are you okay? Like , meeting them where they are in their feeling. With the same or similar intensity kind of, shows them that you see them and you hear them because sometimes the needs that our children have seemed trivial to us. And we feel like, why is this a big deal for you?

Shruti: But it is important to them. The third Is understanding needs our needs and our child needs and , understanding them not coming up with a quick solution or a fix because, oh, my child said he wants this. Let me just go get it for them. That is the third pillar needs.

Shruti: And the last and very important is requests. Oftentimes we, as parents make demands. Like you have to do this. You need to help me with dinner. I can't do this all by myself. You need to step it up. Like even with small thing, you need to clean up your room right now.

Shruti: Of course, there are some non negotiables like you cannot run on the [00:17:00] road there I am demanding. I can't make a request. Would you be willing to not run on the road? ? That's not gonna work. Not everything is in emergency, so making a request is like, clarifying how you both can move forward from this point.

Shruti: One sentence that helps with this is, would you be willing ? If my child is jumping on the couch, instead of saying, don't jump on the couch, a couch is not for jumping. I can see her that, hey, I see that you really want to hop like a bunny. Come and jump on the floor and show me how high you can jump.

Shruti: Or let's move our bodies and go outside and jump on the trampoline. So we are redirecting them. We are requesting that. Okay, that that's a no go. But how about a request? Instead of that, you need to help me with dinner. I can rephrase it as I would be so excited by your help with the kids , when I get back home from work, could you play with them while I cook dinner?

Shruti: So essentially requests are very specific. They're not general. Like when I go into my daughter's room, if I [00:18:00] say clean the room. It's a very abstract phrase and that often like kids don't understand what that even means because they don't share your priorities. They don't care about cleaning the way you do.

Shruti: But if I give her a very specific request, can you pick up all the blue tiles and put it in the box, then she knows exactly what needs to be done . It's important that our requests are clear to her. Positive as to what they can do instead of what they can't do , because, for example, to my son, if I say that , don't hit your sister, he will probably go and hit a friend.

Shruti: So I have to tell him that. Ryan, can you keep your hands to yourself? so requests have to be something that are specific. They're not general and it potentially answers your who, what, when, where, and how long kind of questions. They're doable for, and so we are not asking a two year old to clean their room because It has to be age appropriate, or we're not forcing a two year old to share their toys because that concept [00:19:00] is not there yet, So they don't know what generosity means yet.

Shruti: We can model it for them, and we can encourage them, but we cannot force them that you have to share your toys with your friend, that's not going to work. Also the important thing with the request is that no is an acceptable answer. We are not like hooking somebody with our request.

Shruti: They get to say no. Like if I ask my daughter, would you be willing to clean your room? If her answer is no, I can go further and try and understand, okay, what's happening. Why don't you want to clean your room? Because I'm playing right now. Okay. So would you be willing to clean your room after you're done playing?

Shruti: Yeah, sure. So kind of like not being very attached to the outcome of what our request is, but being okay with a no. So that's why I said that request only when it is negotiable, not with a non negotiable like I won't be asking my child , can you [00:20:00] hold my hand when we cross the road? I will just tell her that you have to hold my hand when we cross the road.

Shruti: Yeah. It's important. These are the essentially the four pillars where we observe without judging. Where we share our feelings , using I statements, and then we are clarifying what our needs and the needs of our child are and how can we collaborate. And then we are making a request instead of a demand.

Lup Wai: These four pillars are so powerful and so useful, especially in the parenting world. So when you were giving the examples, at least I know how to relate. I know I can relate and I know how to make use of it rather than, when someone tell me, no, you shouldn't say that you should say this is like, why?

Lup Wai: So how? So at least you have the example, like parents who heard it will understand how to actually apply all these pillars into the parenting goal. [00:21:00] And those that you have mentioned is really, really happen. And I can totally resonate as well. So, especially when we adults, we are so rushing, always rushing, and we just want to get things done.

Lup Wai: We are so attached to the results that we forget. About the feelings we forget showing the empathy to the children as well, and we expect them to live up to our expectation without understanding and knowing that they need time to understand what's going on.

Shruti: Yes. 

Lup Wai: Our thought is like. You should really understand.

Lup Wai: I mean, I'm really hearing you the kind of thing, but actually they don't and it takes time for them to learn just like how we take time for us to learn as well. And because we have already learned it. And we thought that since we know they should know. 

Shruti: Yes, absolutely. I think when I started this work, this observation versus [00:22:00] evaluation was the hardest for me because I felt like, Oh my God, I judged so much like everything that you could have also done that like that language itself is like aggressive and it is attacking. You never, you always, you know, when we use these absolute words and how often it results into bigger fights when we talk like that, because we are attacking.

Shruti: So , the person in front of us feel defensive and they want to attack back sometimes. It just doesn't help, right? Sometimes if I taunt my husband , I'm sure he will be less likely to help me than when I request him. I feel like if I, if I had just asked him to help me, his answer would have been yes.

Shruti: So why do I have to talk like that? But it's just. How we have experienced life so far. So that's how people talk to each other, unfortunately. It's hard to kind of unlearn and relearn. A short way that maybe your listeners can take back with them it's just called I . Can, but, less.[00:23:00] Which means that I'm going to focus on the I, where I'm talking in I statements, taking responsibility for my feelings, and then can, like where I'm telling somebody what they can do instead of what they can't do, right? Like, instead of don't hit your sister, keep your hands to yourself.

Shruti: That's an example of can. And but is. So what the problem with, but is that often we say something really beautiful and then we say, but like if my daughter says that , can you play with me and I'll say, Oh, that's a lovely idea. Let's play, but I have to do the dishes. I've kind of negated everything I said in the beginning.

Shruti: I can instead say that I would love to play with you right now. I'm doing the dishes. And I can't play with you in seven minutes, some random number, but the answer is yes, it's not, but I'm doing the dishes and I can, but so, not saying, but enough and then less with toddlers and young kids, it's very important [00:24:00] that we are not giving too many instructions at once.

Shruti: Because I've seen how that plays out. Yes. Sometimes in the morning when I'm rushing, I'm like, you're still not wearing your jacket. You're going to be so late. Your shoes are not on your backpack is not ready. And she doesn't know what she is supposed to do next. If I just tell her shoes, she'd go and wear her shoes.

Shruti: If I just tell her jacket, she'd go and wear her jacket. So with kids, less is more, the fewer words you use, the better. I can, but less. I statements can do and what not can't do. Not using but as much and the last is less using less words to express what we want with kids so that they can follow and they can process information and not too many instructions at once.

Shruti: That's a helpful way to remember and the thing is that it's what we can do is that we can try maybe one thing that okay for the next one week I'm going to talk in I I'm [00:25:00] not going to blame people or, I will take responsibility for my feelings, or I'm going to try and tell my toddler what they can do instead of can't do so taking it step by step is important because if we try and do it all at once, and we're not able to do it, we're going to feel guilty.

Shruti: It's important to take baby steps and then build it up as we go. 

Lup Wai: That's true. And also for adults, we also cannot take too many instructions at one time. That's what nowadays people are always feeling like overwhelmed. Yes. So it's very, very similar to how the kids having it, like we're giving so many instructions at one time.

Lup Wai: So if you feel like overwhelmed. So please understand the child also feels the same when you give so many instructions. Yeah. That's how they feel as well. To us, because we have already done it. And to us, it's very simple, but to them is their first time. Exactly. I'm not still not experienced in handling so many things at one time.

Lup Wai: [00:26:00] So it's time to really learn and, and get used to it. We have to be really like what you mentioned, showing the empathy and understand their feelings as well. Instead of like just throwing all the instructions, getting them to meet our expectations when they don't even know exactly what are we expecting.

Shruti: Absolutely. 

Lup Wai: This is really, really useful and I hope everyone is able to understand the pillars that Shruti has just mentioned, which is observation, feelings, needs and requests. 

Shruti: Correct. 

Lup Wai: So these are the few the pillars that Shruti has mentioned and hope that parents who are listening can take this and make use of it.

Lup Wai: If you have any question, of course you can come back to Shruti and ask. And [00:27:00] also the second takeaway from Shruti is I can, but less. Yes. Using the I and then rephrase the request by using the word can 

Shruti: yes, don't they can't don't they get whatever 

Lup Wai: you say using the, but less use of the but and using less words.

Shruti: Yes. That's correct. 

Lup Wai: Less instructions. Yeah. For the kids. In order for them to be able to follow you, what you actually want them to do.

Shruti: Yes. You summed it up beautifully. Thank you. 

Lup Wai: Wow. That's amazing. And it's really, really useful and I can totally resonate with what you have mentioned. How to use them as well with all the pillars and all the words is kind of like, wow, to our self also overwhelming.

Lup Wai: How can I change all this within one day? Actually we can't. 

Lup Wai: So it takes time to change. Yes. It's a process. And like, what you say is like, we need to unlearn and then [00:28:00] we learn all this as well. 

Lup Wai: And we have to be very open minded to learning all this. Not exactly a new technique, but a technique that has been there just that we just don't realize it.

Shruti: Yes.

Lup Wai: And parenting children nowadays is very different from the past as well. 

Shruti: Absolutely, yes.

Lup Wai: This is very beautiful and really amazing. Wow, thanks for sharing all this, Shruti. 

Shruti: Thank you for having me.

Lup Wai: If we have one more takeaway for the parents, what would be the last... One thing that you want the parent at least take away one main thing from this session.

Shruti: I think one important thing would be to first of all understand and be aware of our triggers because if we are not aware of our triggers We can't manage it. So it's very important to be self compassionate. It's important to be [00:29:00] self aware and also kind of reflect on how we are showing up when it's really hard.

Shruti: A moment is very hard with our children, right? Like what led me to yell at her? What was I feeling? What was I needing? And what can I do next time to kind of Meet her with more, more compassion or, how can I meet my needs so I'm able to show up for her in a way ? The awareness of our triggers is really key.

Shruti: Parents can maybe start by understanding or reflecting on which moments during the day are hard and why is it hard? That can be like a starting point for parents. Nice. 

Lup Wai: Wow. Parents, if you're listening, please, please take note of this. This is one main takeaway from Shruti that you need to bring it home and start applying it.

Lup Wai: Right. For Shruti, if they have parents who are 

Lup Wai: struggling with parenting, especially with young kids, or they have further questions , or they want to learn something, learn more from you, where can [00:30:00] they find you? 

Shruti: I have a website. It's www.empoweredconnections.nl for Netherlands and on Instagram, I'm Empowered Connections and I work with parents one-on-one and in a group setting, so if there is an interest or if somebody has a question, please feel free to reach out and I'll be happy to support you.

Lup Wai: Wow, thank you so much, Shruti. Yeah. I'll be adding Shruti's website and her Instagram onto the show notes if you are. If you are looking for 

Lup Wai: her, don't forget to check out our shownotes as well to get her contact. Thank you Shruti for sharing. It's really, really wonderful and so happy to have you here as well.

Shruti: Same here.

Shruti: I'm happy to be here.

Lup Wai: Thank you. And thank you all the parents out there who are listening and teachers as well or educators, whoever who are dealing with children, young children, and learning how to [00:31:00] manage. Own triggers and how to manage communication with the next generation. All right. Thank you so much Shruti for being with me and sharing your valuable insights with all the parents.

Lup Wai: And thank you for parents for listening and i'll see you in the next episode See you